Why do I get triggered and how to avoid it

Most of us consider ourselves rational and thoughtful, generally calm adult humans. Yet, for many of us (including me) there are situations in which we tend to overreact, become more emotional than seems reasonable for the circumstance.

A client of mine, a senior executive with a major consumer brand, shared with me how she became really irritated listening to a more senior colleague speak to the team. She said her colleague was answering a question from the group in a forthcoming and thoughtful way but she, my client, became livid in listening to the person speak.

Does this ever happen to you? A seemingly run-of-the-mill exchange throws you for an emotional loop and you find yourself becoming agitated but you’re not sure why?

To be clear, I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not describing dangerous or manic episodes but rather those moments when we are thrown off our game and it affects our mood, our resourcefulness, our positive outlook at least for a short time.

I’ll propose two reasons this might be happening. This is based on many examples from working with business leaders across a wide variety of of industries and roles. And from my experience in studying human dynamics and our brain’s impact on our behavior.

Reason #1 that I’m Triggered: the situation has me feeling unsafe for some reason

Anything that shakes our perspective on our self-identity, our future plans, or our sense of stability can feel scary, deep down. It can feel as if the solid ground underneath us is quaking and unsettled.

An example: at one point, I served as head of Marketing for a travel company and felt like I was doing really well. I’d been there two or three years, I was getting strong performance evaluations, I felt trusted and highly-regarded by the people I worked with. I enjoyed the work a lot and was thinking it likely that my scope of responsibility would be expanding in the near future.

One morning the CEO walks into my space and we exchange pleasantries, all totally normal. Then he says something along the lines of, ‘By the way, on Monday, a new Senior VP of Marketing is starting and you’ll begin reporting to him.’ This was all news to me, something really unexpected, and all sorts of stories and questions popped to mind:

• I’ve got things set up and running well. He’s going to want to change everything!
• He’s going to bring his own team in and where will that leave me?
• How will we work together? How will my role and his role fit together?
• Do I still have a job? Do I need to think about looking for work? How will my family react?

So, in the space of a few seconds, I’d gone from top of the heap to wondering about my career. My sense of who I was as a professional was really shaken and I had a hard time being positive and resourceful. In short, my basic sense of who I am and of safety was threatened.

Reason #2 that I’m Triggered: A Core Value of Mine has been Crossed

After working it through with my client, the exec mentioned above, it became clear that her sense of equity and fairness had been challenged in listening to her colleague speak with the team. He had said something that crossed a boundary around basic fairness and it really irked her, affected her for days, and affected her respect for her colleague.

When it feels like a deeply-held value is challenged, we can get really amped up, even if the actual event isn’t something that seems big in the moment.

What to do about it? How do I avoid being triggered or how can I let it go faster?

I like to think about the idea of Reacting vs Responding . Reacting means simply expressing your core, emotional response, without thought or consideration for its impact

The idea of Responding, on the other hand, conveys a thoughtful and helpful response; one that supports yourself and those around you. So, here’re three steps to lessen the chance of over-reacting or minimizing the impact of getting triggered.

1. Check the evidence, the inarguable facts of the situation.

• What do I know about the circumstance and what do I know about myself?
• Avoid interpretation and stories; stick to what you know to be true. Consider whether you’re making up a story about the situation and whether something else could be true.

2. Find the source of your reaction.

• Check in with your body- is there an area on your physiology that responds to situations like this (sour stomach, tightness in the chest or neck or back, feeling pressure around the head?). Put  a hand on that spot and consider what is going on.
• Consider what happened and ask yourself, ‘Am I feeling unsafe for some reason? Or ‘Is this wrapped up in a value that I hold?’

3. Now work to take back control. Whether it’s a basic sense of safety or a value that’s being challenged, it helps to have a plan and feel more in control.

• Is there anything that needs to be addressed right now, in this moment?
• What would need to be true for me to feel better about this?
• Would it be helpful to learn more about some aspect of this?
• Do I need to have a conversation with someone,
• Is there a clear request I need to make to someone?
• Is there room for me to change something about myself, how I’m operating, or the beliefs I’m holding?

We all have moments in our lives when we overreact. If this sometimes happens to you, consider yourself a full-fledged member of the human race. In these cases, I tend to think of the words attributed to concentration camp survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl:

‘Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.’

So, you might want to consider your experience of being triggered and your response as a chance to grow and stretch and become a more fully expressed version of who you were born to be.

I hope this is helpful. Thanks for reading.

Andy